People are strange when your a stranger faces look blah blah when your alone…
Had a decent day today. Did a lot of staying around the house (a place I haven’t been much lately) and felt good about it.
I cleaned my fans.
I cleaned the bathroom floor.
I organized.
I spent a fair amount of time organizing some thoughts about computers and I plan on writing about that later. Mainly just stuff about cd/dvd burning, zimbra, and things like iso creation. All things you can do for free but can be a bit of a pain in the ass to find out about. I would like to have a one-stop-shop type of manual.
Had a nice conversation with my neighbor. I am so glad I live where I do. Many people come and go but the people that are near and dear are there for good. I really appreciate that. I suppose I appreciate the people that come and go to but one thing I have learned is that I am who I am and I need not adjust my life according to thier schedule.
I have struggled with that my whole life. Being there for others even when it was killing me. Consequently putting myself in a position (and others) where it would start killing them just to be around me :0.
Who knows…
Who knows how much things affect others? I have plenty of observations and experience but what do I really know about how someone else feels about a situation. Again I have my experience but at some level the pain we feel, or don’t for that matter, is our own. Simply put feeling is nothing more than a result generated from an interpretation of our thoughts about the world around us. At some level all feelings are based on lies since thought cannot be pure, but as long as we are in some sort of accord we carry on. Whatever, it is all bullshit the point here is that feelings can suck sometimes. I think feelings would suck a lot less if people took a minute to be honest with themselves and others around them in an attempt to live in some common accord.
Ahh whatever LIE. I don’t care.
But you know what? I don’t have to do it. I don’t have to live by it and I don’t have to fucking change. I don’t have to create my fucking profile on eharmony or match. I don’t have to find some way to sell myself just to be a part of. You know what I am worth? PRICELESS. You know why? You can’t fucking buy me.
I just won’t sell out. I will stay alone for the rest of my life. I am not bitter I am just don’t know what I am doing, but I know what I am unwilling to do and that is a starting point.
Went to a bar tonight and talked to some people. It was an experience and nice to get out. It is great to be able to come back from a bar, get home, eat, write an entry in my journal and go to bed. None of those things would have happened had I been drinking. Well, OK maybe I would have written something in my journal that looked like this:
I hate me
I hate you
fuck you
you fuck
you hate I
me hate I
God it would have sounded good all fucked up and as long as I stayed high it would be cool.
I am glad I am not high today.