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So this dream was from the other night... I was in this apartment and I was trying to date this woman who is in the program, but yet someone which…

I am really sorry but I just can't do this anymore. I have given it my all. Four plus years and it is time to throw in the towel. I just can't do this anymore. I have so much support but I don't want to help myself anymore I want to be alone. I want to die. I no longer want to live. Feeling like this is no fun at all. I can't do anything and walk around with this knot in the bottom of my stomach. Argh. Maybe I will run into that which strips me of my being. I am no longer commited to saying "No."

We are all alone as we want to be. I am a loner. Big deal. My friend Polly said something really cool, something along the lines of "...Aaron you approach the world from the perspective of you being the only person in your consciousness..." It think it was pretty funny since she was using that as an argument to the fact that I may be crazy otherwise. I don't know maybe I didn't get it right. We are all loners to some degree, and I am no different.

So I slept on what happened last night at work at still feel shitty about it. I am not as sick as I was last night so hopefully this cold is breaking up. One thing I need to keep in mind is that I have been working a lot lately.

No matter where I go I always bring myself with me. I want to be totally melodramatic and say that I am a failure. That I never do anything right.…