Why the hell do I hate myself so much? I mean I am sure things do not need to be a constant struggle, but days like this make me want to jump off the Tobin six times.
The simple truth is something doesn’t go my way and then I try to make it go my way, and when it doesn’t I force it. Take for example work today: I walked in feeling OK but then got stressed right away and from there on it was all about trying to be perfect.
I am sure I don’t need to sit here and write about how much fun I didn’t have at the rock gym. Honestly I didn’t even want to go because I just freaking knew how I was going to beat myself up there too. Two climbs into it the struggle was on, but you just can’t force climbing, well I can’t anyway.
So I failed the 5.8+ twice ( I got further than I was able to awhile ago ) and suddenly I am a failure in life. Fuck it. Give up what is the point to anything? Anything I try will only end up in failure. This is the epitomy of all of my failures in life. Why go on? Why try anything?
OK so get this: All of that shit goes through my head and I fucking totally believe it. Isn’t that just insane? I mean right now I have some clarity and see the insanity but when it is happening I CANNOT SEE IT and I totally think it is the truth and there is no point going on because I suck and I will fail. I fucking despise myself and it really hurts.
Since I am writing…At work today…we had an LDAP server bitch about returning to many records. My boss looked at it and I was pissed that he was looking at it. Sometimes it is this little power struggle and I freaking hate it yet I just don’t know how not to engage. Why can’t I just let it go so that I can be effective?
Why can’t I just take a step back and just realize that brute force isn’t going to help the situation. Fuck. It is my desire, at times, to just break things. To mess them up beyond recognition and then be sad that they are not whole anymore either. Wow. That was some pretty deep shit to me…writing is very useful.