You never really know where your lessons are going to come from or who your teachers will be on any given day. While I know this isn’t earth shattering news I’m amazed at just what I can learn if I decide to listen and participate.
One thing I remember from childhood was having to wait for adults for everything. A particular experience I’m not fond of was waiting in the mud room for my babysitter to open the door for me to come into the house. I spent so much time waiting for an adult to tend to me and I always tried to be a good boy. I’m not sure what my motive was back then-maybe I didn’t have on, hell, I was just a kid.
At some point throughout this process systems failed and I never devoloped the ability to ask for what I needed. It was always about others leaving myself last if at all. But I wasn’t because I didn’t want or desire things in fact it was just the opposite. I wanted and needed voraciously and overtime it became a game, for me, to see if people could predict or even figure out what I wanted or needed.
I started using this game as a system for weeding people out of my life. The people that “understood” me were in and the rest were out. Needless to say I ended up quite alone save for a few friends that were fucked up in equally ridiculous ways.
Well that is the backstory and now the point…
This week I travelled to california to be part of my friends wedding. They had arranged for me to stay with friends of the family in the hills of San Ansalmo.
We arrived to watch a jazz performance in the living room and man was it great! I was feeling a bit weak since I had been sneezing all day, but I made the best of it. The plan was for us to go together and them to leave me there to sleep.
Once they left it hit me: I just wanted to go to bed but I had to be patient and wait. I didn’t want to mingle with all of the people at the house so I went off to sit on the porch alone. I felt all alone since my friends had left and I really didn’t know my hosts yet. Worse than that I felt like a burden (What’s funny I hadn’t even been burdensome).
I finally got settled and made my way to bed. By the way the place was amazing, an old barn converted into a guest house. I definitely had everything I needed.
The next day we all went rafting and were able to grow closer. After the trip when we got back to the house I let my guest know that I was going to the grocery store for food. The encouraged me to stay home and feel free to eat their cereal and while I wanted my own food I was willing to wait until the next day to get food.
Night begets morning and I walk up the steps and grab some honey bunches-of-oat for takeout. Eventhough it was offered I still felt like I was doing something wrong. I was waiting for someone to say “what the fuck are you doing??”
That day I went to the grocery store and got some stuff. I started feeling comfortable. I made sure I told my hosts were I was going although the decision to walk the the front door was so hard at times. It was hard because I was afraid. Everytime I walked through that door I got nothing but care, compassion, and love. Each time I got easier and then it got harder but hell this is a process.
Some people were do to arrive for the wedding and my host suggested I stay in the house. Since I already had the hotel booked I figured I would just go there, but still I was enouraged to stay.
The hotel wasn’t a home. There wasn’t anything there for me especially the care that I had been getting at my friends house. Instanty I wanted to go back but figured I was committed to staying because of the reservation. It wasn’t to long after that that realized I could ask for what I need and just leave the hotel even if I had to pay for the room. I wanted to end this trip remembering my new friends not in a hotel room.
My new friends told me that I was always welcome. That really touched my heart because it was true. I feel so grateful to be blessed to have had this experience and make so many new friends.
It really isn’t easy to walk through fears but walking around them is equally difficult.