It is really hard to get a suitable set of characters to show up when you smash the keyboard. I thought about a title for this post: Holding on. I thought that was a bit dramatic and didn’t really express how I felt so I changed it to something completely unique. Yes, I know it also doesn’t express how I am feeling it isn’t even a word, but it seems to fit.
I am almost afraid to write about how I am feeling. There is a part of me that thinks I should be writing about all of the joy in my life. But there is also this loneliness that seems to be consuming me. I have spent my life learning how to be OK with being alone. Most times I really enjoy being by myself to get through some work, working out, hiking all of that stuff. I am not sure what it is about this time, the holidays, or just where I am at in life but I am struggling with being alone.
I summed it up today but calling it what it was: desperation. I’m pretty fucking desperate. It feels like I have all of this love to give but there is no person to receive it. Maybe I am just full of shit, but then again it really doesn’t feel that way. I’m just lonely and I just want someone to go the road with me. Someone that I can count on and trust will be there for me and vice versa.
I am so tired and drained of emotion that I really can’t adequately describe how I feel. I just want to ask the universe what I need to do? What special saying do I have to say to get into the clubhouse? How are relationships made? I just want to feel that feeling again even if it is to only hate it the minute after. That feeling of there being something new, something real, something moving towards something else…
I had dinner with new friends tonight. It felt great to be welcomed and to meet new people. Most importantly it felt really good to not be alone which is exactly what I needed tonight.
Well the laundry is probably done and I am beat…