I was walking home from the meeting tonight and a thought came into my head.
“If I died here it would be OK.”
I suppose it sounds dramatic and sad, but it is in fact the opposite. I really love Cambridge and where I am living currently. I have people that love me all around me and that feel really good. As I was crossing the street I pictured myself being old and still doing the same things and being OK with it.
I am sure my life will change and it won’t be the same stuff and me older (which is what I pictured), but it was really freeing to think that and be at peace with it.
I was whining about the assessments and while speaking with a co-worker I had told him that I must have spent at least eight to ten hours on it so far. He told me that I was very efficient and that he spends eight to ten hours on just one. Now I feel like I haven’t been thourough and I need to do a better job.
Ahhh fuck it that is what next year is for and besides I am not done yet so when all is said and done I am sure I will have put in like fifteen to seventeen hours. Also while the peer reviews are helpful it and nice for encouragement it is the self review that is most important if we have the capacity to be honest.
I spent some time working on the presentation for Friday. It actually crossed my mind to have it postponed because of fear and laziness, but I will do the opposite and have some faith and take some action! It is only a half hour and I already have six slides and more to come. Lets face it being in recovery affords me certain benefits especially when it comes to speaking in front of others. 🙂