I am so fucking pissed. If I could lift up the earth and fucking throw it into some cosmic garbage barrel I would. I would fucking smash it to bits and start over. The funny thing is that it probably would end up the same way.
I haven’t written in this journal because I was in a relationship. That was a big mistake since part of how I process my life is done through writing in this journal. There were other things that I wasn’t doing also. I got caught up in a feeling. Was I full of shit? Was I honest? I was as honest and authentic as I could be at the time. Simply put, I did my best plus more.
I am sure I don’t need to say that I am not in the relationship anymore, well, do we ever really end relationship? I heard someone say “I am in relationships long after they end…” Let go or be dragged. Lame.
Anyway I am fucking pissed. I am not fucking afraid to admit it. I want to break something. People walk around denying anger well I am hear to say that anger is valid and acceptable. If I want to yell and scream I can. If I want to flail my arms around manically I can do that too.
I went out on a limb and got burnt again, but this time the harsh reality hit me: it isn’t the other persons fault it is mine. I was in this situation to a lesser degree a year ago and I said I was going to work on myself and I did NOTHING.
Now I am out and I am still clean. My desire to use has nothing to do with my relationships. My desire to use has to do with the fact that I am an addict.
Maybe the pain is great enough to do something about it this time. God I am so fucking sick of working on myself.