I’ve been off the past few days. I don’t know if it is because I was sick last week and things just went out of sync. I don’t know what it is…I woke up with that lonely sinking feeling in my stomach. Like something was wrong that something that can never be fixed because it is broken in another world but your feeling the pain from this world. Trapped looking through a windows of a house you can’t get out of just sitting there floating through space and time.
It’s nice when you have a hint of what is wrong. When you know that you are messing up in one area or another and that you just have to set your course and steer clear of the pain. But what about the times when the deep hurt shines through and rears its ugly head? The stuff you have spent more time repressing than taking a loot at? I dunno. What scares me is that in times like these I just have no idea. I feel sad. I don’t know what is wrong, but I know there is nothing that can be done to fix it. Literary I may not be but is there an eloquent way to say “it hurts”?
I keep coming home to home but its feeling more and more empty. I don’t want to be alone but I’m not sure I’m want anything more than what I’ve got. I’m just not willing to commit but even if I were I wouldn’t have anything to commit to.
Back to the feeling…
I noticed the emptiness when I was throwing some laundry in the hamper. I thought “home alone again.” The next thought was how climbing would have been had I been thinking of my girlfriend the whole time and whether or not I was going to get yelled at for coming home late. Or maybe I wouldn’t even climb because I would get lost in the fire of new love?
I’m out of practice.
I really need to get to a meeting tomorrow. I feel a bit anxious and have been getting caught up in other peoples shit. I feel needy and don’t want to be left out. I don’t want to be alone. I hate it when I am needy. Gross.
I know I’ll feel better tomorrow morning, but it can’t be about blocking the lonely sinking feeling it must be about exposing it and seeing it for exactly whatever it is…