This week, oh this week…I’ve been through so many emotions. Lack of sleep leading to a neurotic anxiety about the future, but more generally a paranoia about not being able to sleep again. I’m really grateful to have met someone and have these emotions come up, but they are definitely painful and scary.
When I got to work on Tuesday morning the pit in the bottom of my stomach had formed and I just didn’t know what to do. It felt like everything was wrong. The opposite was true actually but I was just feeling the feelings of commitment and fear of failure. Figures I would freak out in the beginning not wanting to screw something up and then screwing it up anyway because I am so paranoid about not wanting to.
At some point during my seppuku I reached out and called my mother. While I was balling on the phone with her I realized just how much of an asshole I have been to her over the years. Not because I did anything specific but because of my anger towards her I closed off to her emotionally. I’m not beating myself up about it but I did tell her that I was sorry and I am going to try to improve by calling her much more regularly.
I returned to a state of limited normalcy and was able to do basic tasks at work. Time and time again that feeling would come into my stomach-butterflies. Ugh. What a crazy feeling…
Ahh there were so many details. So many conversations with friends. My friends kept me going telling me everything was going to be OK and that I would make it. All I’m talking about right now are feelings. Feelings lift us up and bring us down. I’ve just had so many of them this week.
I’m so grateful to have met someone that I like. Someone I don’t want to change or make into something else. I like her for her. I don’t know where this will go but my stance is that I’m willing to try. I willing to go the distance and walk through my fears of commitment.
love calls…