So it’s been almost a week since I had my last surgery on my ankle. I can walk again with any aids and I used the stupid boot for the last time yesterday. I was able to do the warm up series via the cd this morning and while I was a bit sore and swollen I’m sure I’ll be fine for tomorrow. I’m going to practice the noontime class and go in a bit early to do some work Brad.
Overall I’m fine, but over the past few days I’ve noticed that weird feeling in my stomach that signals “somethings wrong”. I’ve gotten so use to being able to practice every day and when I’m doing that I almost never get this feeling. Life, for me, is about perspective and usually this feeling is connected with negative perspective. In other words, I’m not feeling good about myself and the world around me. What is really cool is all I have to do is take a yoga class, go to a meeting and I’m back in shape. It really is amazing just how much those activities right my mind and put me back in the drivers seat, or is it take me out, not sure depends on how you look at it :).
I also like to do this. To write about what is going on in my life. Hell I hardly ever even go back and read these entries but something about writing this stuff down and getting it out of my head helps me and has helped me for so long.
Having this week off was cool. It gave me a break from teaching and practicing and also gave me a chance to heal. My plan was to learn additional dialogue, read, watch lost and do all of this stuff. Turns out I only watched lost and did a few other things. The first three days were pretty cool. Sarah was here with me and then when I was alone I did some computer work. That is when I noticed my perspective changing and a sort of going into myself. Wanting to be alone and not wanting to do anything other than things like watch TV. I realized that I had to do other things too because anything that I use eventually uses me and leaves me with very few ways out.
Luckily for me I went to a few meetings this week. A friend picked me up for one and I took the train to the other. Going to meetings helps a lot, but it isn’t the whole equation. The longer I’ve been clean the more I need to do to continue to stay clean. Body, mind and spirit three intricately connected things each providing access to the next.
Sometimes I just feel bad. I think the biggest part of my problem most of my life is choosing to not recognize or accept that. I’m human and experience a range of emotions there is no reason for me to be in denial about that fact (that I’m human). It’s fine. I know that I’ll be OK and am grateful that I have a range of emotions today and not just the same feeling everyday.
It’s no coincidence that I’ve wanted to use over the past few days. Shit I basically had to when I had my surgery but there were a few things I could have done differently and will do next time. Like talk to the doctor about medication alternatives. I say I had to use for surgery because although the medicine was administered by a medical professional my body has no way of knowing that fact. As an addict it becomes hard to discern whether the drug is being used for recreation or pain. In my case it was for pain and the pain that I remembered in my first surgery was so great that I wanted to make sure I had enough medication to treat the pain in this one. The difference was the second was much less traumatic and therefore didn’t require the same amount of medication. Never mind all of that my brain was telling me to get as much of the pain medication into my system so that I wouldn’t have to experience the pain. My brain will even manufacture the pain to get the drugs, or whatever it is to not have to feel. So cunning…the worst part about all of this is the disease lies to me in my own voice.
It has taken me so long to start to trust myself. It took about 5 years before I even began to start trusting myself and my actions. Now it has been a decade and I trust myself a lot more but no matter how long I’ve been clean when it comes to narcotic medication I can NEVER trust myself once it is in my system. I will always have to count on other addicts to make sure I’m making the right decisions. I’m not saying that I’m helpless here. My heart is in the right place and even when I’ve used the medicine I still know what is right and wrong but left completely to my on devices I’ll start telling myself the right lies in order to be able to use.
The disease of addiction is incurable and fatal if not arrested. One day clean is all I am promised and all I can ever hope to achieve along the road of recovery and for that I am grateful.